Change/Leaping to the Unknown.

Change.

Change is scary, terrifying really. Mom's house just had an offer and she accepted it. This spot has been my haven since I was 12. There is no spot like it. Whenever my life has fallen apart, whenever I was in need of comfort and of family, I came here. It is beyond fathomable that I have 6 weeks left, and then, it is gone from my life.

My Stepda Ed built this house in 1973, it's not perfect. He was a wonderful man but he took shortcuts and the house needs work. Still, I love it.  The view is incomparable, looking out over the slough and the fields and the mountains beyond, it is a peaceful paradise. Ed's ashes are here, his energy is here, it's hard to walk away. He was the best Dad I ever had.

A new chapter of life begins. Haven will always be where Mom is, and while she doesn't know yet where she will end up, so long as we have each other, it will be fine. I can come visit Montana, and while it will not be this house and this view, there are other vistas  of the mountains and water.

With change comes fear. I'm moving to L.A., the what if's swamp my brain. What if I can't afford it? What if I fail? What if I don't make friends? What if the friends I have are too busy for me? What if.. what if.. what if... with visions of disaster.

It makes a person want to curl up into a ball and hide.

The important thing to remind myself of is that I have survived this far.  I will survive beyond this. With all the crazy excruciating things I have been through, this will be easy. If I don't try, my what ifs will be a what if I had? It's tempting to stay where it is safe, comfortable and familiar... the devil you know... vs that devil you don't.

I am exceptionally lucky. I have great friends. While I may have nightmares of being homeless and starving, I know that the people who love me will never let that happen. I always land on my feet. I always find a job. I always pay my bills (even if sometimes a bit late). I always have food. I always have clothes.

It will be ok. I am loved. It all works out... somehow.  This too shall pass. This terrifying fear that is swallowing me now, is just a feeling.

I have to take the leap of faith in order to fly.