Some of my first memories are of my grandmother telling me I was fat. She drilled it into my brain till I believed it, and then told me no man would ever love me and I would never succeed if I were fat.
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| Me about age 5.. Healthy little girl that even then just wanted to perform. |
I've never been considered small. I've never been called skinny. I can count the number of times a man has scooped me up in his arms and twirled me or carried me someplace in less than one hand.
My adolescent through adult life thus far, my body has ranged between at my smallest a size 12 to a size 24.. in the last 10 years I sit at about a 16-20. While I'm not super active, I'm not a complete lump either. I walk, hike, do yoga, dance, was SAFD certified in 2008 in rapier and dagger, broadsword and hand to hand, stage combat.
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| Size 12... about age 19 |
When I was a size 12, I was 19, I existed pretty much on salads and was obsessed with fitting in that standard box of beauty. I walked on the treadmill with weights 2 hours every day. I insecure and unhappy and so desperate to be loved, to succeed.
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| Age 25 Size 22? |
I started having back problems around age 20, I had three months where I could barely move. I got better. When I was 22 I was raped twice in the span of 6 months. I put on weight very quickly after that in an attempt to hide I think... if what my grandmother said was true an no man would love me if I were fat, then no man would want to rape me either.. right? So I hid, for years at a size 24.. pushing 26. My story is not unusual, it's sadly common. Body's react to stress and trauma... some people gain weight others become thin to an unhealthy level. Don't look at someone and judge them on their size. You have no idea what they have been through. There can be many reasons why a person looks the way they do and really, no one should be judged on their appearance. We are all just in need of love and acceptance.
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| Hiking in Glacier Park, not sure what year, guessing around 2003 size 22-24 |
I was very physically active in my time at Cornish and blissfully happy for most of it and so shrunk down to a size 16... After I graduated, my back flared again at age 30 and I herniated two discs... I lost much of 2009 to pain and immobility. I fought hard to get to the point where I could function again on an even basic level. Aerobics were out and I gained some of the weight I had lost in school back. But psychologically I had turned a page and wanted to be seen again. Wanted to be that performer the little 5 year old had dreamed about.
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| 2011 (Christy Trotto photographer)Headshot Size 20 |
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| 2015 Size 18 |
Now, almost 20 years later from that size 12 (wtf, when did that happen?) I have come to accept who I am... would I like to be thinner? sure. Would I like to have a million dollars? heck yeah! Maybe those things will happen one day, but I'm not obsessing about them any more. I like food, I like too cook, I think that beauty comes in ALL shapes, ages, colors, genders, etc. I look in the mirror and all in all I'm comfortable with what I see. I see a woman who has survived some crazy shit and is still standing, not only standing but dancing and doing yoga. I may be single at the moment, but I've had relationships and when I've looked for them I've never had a hard time finding a date. I've gotten work in my desired field of acting and while I've been out of it a few years, I'm confident I will get work again.
I went window shopping yesterday... and was discouraged and disgusted. (this happens every time I look at clothes lately). While there is a movement growing : #EFFYOURBEAUTYSTANDARDS (Love Tess Munster! Thank goodness for her!) the balance is still decidedly in favor of the small, tiny waisted people. They say the average woman in america is a size 14 (so since all sizing is different (thank's designers) lets say 10-16 shall we?) Yet when I wander and look at clothes what I see predominantly on the rack is size 0-8. The 8-16 has been mostly bought, or what is left is ugly. When I wander into the wee corner for the "Womens"....It is ugly... I mean not just a little... I mean like who the heck would wear this and feel good about themselves? Apparently to be "Plus" or "Womens" in the Flathead is to be resigned to loud obnoxious patterns, frumpy, unflattering cuts and weird shit with beading all over it.
There is no Lane Bryant in the Flathead, and no Torrid. Target has a tiny section that blends in to the Maternity section. Ross has a tiny section. T.J. Max has a rack... literally just one, front and back. J.C. Penny has a small corner placed next to a large Active wear section of tiny work out clothes. Maurice has a tiny corner of things that look cute on the hanger, but when you try it on look ridiculous. Herbergers has the largest collection, but little of it is anything you would want to wear and each piece starts around $50. Yet, I look around this valley and honestly I see more people looking like me than I do your average super model.
Heres the thing... some people are small, naturally and also, some people are big, naturally. People come in different heights, proportions, skin tones, physical abilities and ailments. We come in various ages, we have various styles. Let's climb out of the beauty standard box and let's start having representation of EVERYONE in our media. Let's stop typecasting.... let's have all the styles and clothes in the full range of sizes.
Tess Munster or as she's also known Tess Holiday is my new role model. I love her, She gives me courage. She's fierce, beautiful, and determined to change the rules. She is completely open about herself and her experiences. She makes me think that I maybe just maybe have a chance. The world is changing.... slowly. Curves are being embraced... Tess and The Militant Baker and others are raising awareness.
My awesome friend Hannah Schnabel is on a mission to design awesome clothes for curvy gals and I can't wait till she gets going. She's graduating in June. She doesn't have a website yet... but look out for amazing things from her in the future.
In the mean time companies like Lane Bryant, Torrid and Dove are trying. Lane Bryant's new ad campaign: #ImNoAngel falls is a step in the right direction, but no great leap. The models are all essentially about the same size, very pretty, no visible stretch marks or cellulite. I hope these companies and more keep trying and keep pushing forward, every step is a step in the right direction.
I love the Militant Bakers redesign of the Lane Bryant campaign, which shows a variety of curvy women.
I hope when I am in L.A. I can be part of the change too... the mission for acceptance and understanding. I'm excited to try. We all deserve to feel loved and beautiful no matter our packaging.
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| 2008 after graduating Cornish, size 16 |
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| Another Christy Trotto Photo, this time 2012 |
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| One of my favorite photos of myself ever, by the talented Jeanette Bath in 2009 |
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